accept thyself without knowing

quite some time ago, mid 1980 actually, i went to joann fabrics, bought a clown outfit pattern, fun colorful materials, rickracking, bias tape, yarn to create the big floppy buttons, and the rest of the ingredients to sew together this costume. after acquiring make-up, juggling bags and the rest of the accoutrements i was ready to start this new venture selling balloons at festivals, fairs, and the rush street night life of the windy city. the journey on the way to the destination to economic prosperity was far more interesting than the end of the day's fiscal summations. as ragtag observant of the hoi polloi occupying the streets of chicago, i recognized more than ever before how fundamentally different we all are. a person in a clowns outfit inspires an expansive variety of reactions.

at the time i was only 18, graduated from high school the day before, stuffed what i could fit in a duffel bag and moved from indiana to the big city. i learned more about people in that 3 months, before setting off to indiana university, than i had learned in the previous 18 years of my life.

i love observing people. in doing so, i come off as quite and shy. really i am not. i have performed magic on stage, plays, musicals, was selected as one of about 12 kids in my school system to perform plays on their WETL radio station, sat on the board of directors for junior achievement, i was head judge for years for a gaming tournaments with up to 1000 participants, and lots more. I have met with michael jordan twice, dined with arnold schwarzenegger and dan quayle (different dinners), smoked a cigar with bill cosby, met with muhammad ali, golfed with huey lewis, had a beer with harry caray, worked several events with john mellencamp, spent a working weekend with chris evert, ken griffey jr. was a partial owner of one of my businesses and met and worked with hundreds more athletes and music performers. Some nice, some not so nice, but bottom line is; we are all similarly different.

dimestore analogy... pull two leaves off a single tree and look at their subtle differences in vein patterns and know that the thousands of other leaves are similarly different yet they all still function and thrive together, and when their green chlorophyll ebbs, they mature, and much more clearly demonstrate their dramatic and inspiring individualism. i can only assume that nature/god never intended the leaves to be perfect or they would all be the same.

we are all so different, and i go introspective on occasion trying to understand my own esoteric nuances. if i don't "know thyself", then i cant suggest that i understand others (however still i try). i am, as others are, complex. i have stopped eating the meat of animals but still eat fish. i am not sure i believe in god but then raise and donate $12,000 to rainbow babies and children's hospitals to thank a higher power for my children's health. i don't like to see animals killed for their fur but i am more than willing to wear leather. on and on my conundrums abound.

i will continue to question myself, perhaps to never understand, and in the end simply revel in our differences.

questioning love

Sitting in the lobby...nervous mind racing...hypersensitive....the buzz of a ballast failing in fluorescent light fixture, clickity clack of stilettos on the foyer's polished marble floor, swoosh of forced air through the ventilation system, passing cars in street, and twined sounds of twaddle, music, and laughter emanating from the lounge all comprise the current aural hum flowing from life's eternal tap. Anxiety seemingly shifts the temporal dimension and thickens air with a weighty constriction, like sitting in a lava lamp just warming up. Eyes lower to glance at a wristwatch and then torpidly look back up and out the window...is that her?

A revolving door, that symbolically mocks modern romance, sluggishly spins into action.

Even through the distortion of the multi-faceted angles of laggardly spinning glass, she can be recognized as "the one" waited for. The door seems to be spinning slower and slower with lingered anticipation. The sounds of the surrounding life, now amounts to a nothing more than a faint echo at the end of a long tunnel, as the stream of sand through the hourglass now seems to be falling only grain by grain.

Finally exiting the turnstile portal, after a month of various communications there she stands.

Returning from the time distorted abstraction with an exalted explosion of the senses; you embrace reality, with the magical first moment's memory safely ensconced in the minds eye.

Through distant travels of infinite days and nights spent searching, you have found the one and only that is leaving you; continually beguiled through enchanting mannerisms, entranced with witty and compassionate banter, and bewitched by a chemistry so mythical that you question thaumaturgic provenance......what happens next?

Will it be a pristine sunset....just an unassailable glimpse into the beauty life can hold, destined to fade all too quickly, leaving us keenly aware that the future is better left to be expected bereft of continued amorous expectations? Carpe Diem?

Or is it an waterfall....starting with a distant roar inspiring the first unexpected tremors of the heart, moving closer, building in intensity, now stunning and unstoppable in nature, thwarting all obstacles in its path, flowing tirelessly, to remain a visible testament that which brings joy for all to beheld.

Is admiration precious simply because of self worth, and that the erotic impulse is sweet to fulfill? At what level is it possible to conclude, with a muddled realization, that these perceptions could be the beginnings of genuine love?